Week 5 Story: Sleepless in Australia
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| Sydney Australia |
We had just finished eating a lovely meal in our Sydney apartment. I had prepared a great spaghetti dish like my mother makes, complete with a loaf of French Bread and a chocolate cake for dessert. My husband and I had just cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher when Ryan had asked me to sit down with him on our couch so we could talk.
That's when he told me he wanted a divorce.
"After all we've been through together? I've always been faithful to you, loved you and supported you through all our ups and downs. I moved across the planet for you, for your new job for Christ sake!", my voice beginning to rise as spoke. Shock was quickly giving way to feelings of betrayal.
"Exactly," Ryan replied. His blue eyes were downcast in guilt, dark hair falling in front of his face slightly. "It's not fair to you. You do so much for me, I could never hope to pay all that back."
"You don't have to pay it back. I do things for you because I care about you, not because I expect something in return. Just don't..."the last word caught in my throat. "Don' leave."
He gave a weak smile at that. "Exactly, you never expect anything in return. The problem is, I should want to do something in return, but I never do. It's not fair to you. That's why I should leave. You'll be better off without me," he replied.
He stood up and went to the bedroom, while I stayed where I sat on the couch with my eyes staring at the wood floor. Moments later, I heard his footsteps returning and I looked up. He stood in the doorway, a suitcase in his hand.
He uttered three last words to me, "I'm so sorry," and left, gently closing the door behind him. All the dreams and plans we'd had shattering with the sound of the door locking.
I stayed there on the coach for a long time after tears silently streaming down my face. Finally, knowing I was supposed to work in the morning, I went to the bedroom and went through my nightly routine. I collapsed into the bed and tossed and turned, trying to get even a little sleep.
No sleep came that night.
Author's Note: So I based this on the great movie "Sita Sings the Blues". In the film, we experience a kind of modern retelling of Sita and Rama's story in the Ramayana. It's this more modern retelling which I based my story on. Ryan is based on Dave/Rama and the main character is based on Nina/Sita. The plot kinda follows what happens to Nina, but I decided that I wanted to chance how they separated a bit. I wanted the main character to be told in person, because I wanted her to have the opportunity for closure. I hope that you all enjoy my rendition of the story.
Bibliography. "Sita Sings the Blues" by Nina Paley. Web Source.
Great story I really loved it, I like how you modernized the Sita and Rama story and included that in your authors note that tells us who the characters are. One suggestion would be to include more dramatic events such as more in depth dialogues, like wouldn't it make the story more intersting if you would have added more explanation to Dave's dialogue such as "honey I am sorry but you do so much for me, and i never pay back I hate how our relationship is more materialistic than of emotions...I wish we could have hung out more, I cannot be here anymore I am packing my bags and leaving." Using more details might give your story more clarity. I think you shoudl also add Nina more dialogue and rage which brings more pathos and emotions to the story as actual Ramayana and even in the video Sita was portrayed as the loyal wife who we pity and sympathize with, you can put dialogues such as "I acn't believe you are leaving me after all I have done for you, I left my family and everyone for you."
ReplyDeleteAh, I think you're totally right, Rama would be that cliche, modern-day "you deserve better" boyfriend! When reading the Ramayana it's hard to imagine these characters as real given all of the supernatural happenings, but what makes this tale speak across the ages to us readers across the globe and centuries ahead is the relateable relationship troubles between Rama and Sita. I think this snapshot moment could be made even more successful with some in-depth setting description. You're at a real advantage with her first-person perspective to really captivate the audience by giving them a detailed sense of her surroundings. The story is very dialogue driven which is great, so maybe playing with this balance would really put us right in the scene with them. For example, "his blue eyes were downcast with guilt, his dark hair falling in his face slightly," is a strong sentence that really paints a picture of more than just what's happening but what it looks like. A little showing rather than telling can really turn up the intrigue a notch, where I think you could even leave it at "his eyes were downcast" and the quality of guilt will still show through! Great choice of scene, it's hard not to sympathize with Sita/Nina!
ReplyDeleteTo begin with, I absolutely love the title! I love a good romantic comedy and so of course I think the title is the cutest thing ever! I’m not sure if you meant it like a play on words with the movie Sleepless in Seattle, but that’s what it reminded me of. I also love your use of details. I thought the line, “His blue eyes were downcast in guilt, dark hair falling in front of his face slightly,” really helped to paint the character and the scene. Also, I really liked that you started out the story with the shocked main character. It’s very clever and immediately draws the reader in. I wonder at what point Ryan stopped having feelings for the narrator of the story? Maybe during the dialogue you could have a little blurb where she asks what caused him to feel this way or something like that. I also, on a much more simple note, I wonder what the main character’s name is? Maybe he could say her name whenever he’s address ion her in the middle of the argument. Just a thought! Overall though it was a really great story!
ReplyDeleteYou took the simple moment of Dave saying "don't come back", and completely re thought the scene. I like that you still made Dave to be inherently selfish but that you made the break up happen in person. The one thing I did not like about their relationship in the movie was how desperate Nina was to get Dave back even though he did not seem to care. I think you used great descriptive narrative to show the emotion that Nina was feeling. The only thing I wish is that you maybe gave her some hope the next morning and not just leave the reader wondering if she will get over Dave.
ReplyDeleteHi Jackie, I am so glad you wrote this story because I really enjoyed reading it. I love how you gave more insight to Nina and Dave's breakup but with your own twist. This story actually made me feel sad for the main character and it kept me wanting to read more. I also think this story could be retold as to what happens after or how the main character overcomes this challenge. Really great job writing this story!
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